Unique and Rather Ordinary
Summer lovin’ happened so fast…
Wait, what?
Summer dating has not been a blast. Everyone is breaking out of their quarantine bubbles and wanting to meet others and the idea of romance is running wild…
How did your stomach feel when you read that? Did your face crunch up a bit?
When I was in the very early stages of creating my programs, I was told several times to focus on dating. And I know why I was given that advice. It’s a hot topic with everyone not partnered up, and a recurring topic in the widowed community. I could have created a program catered to widows in the dating world, but that wouldn’t have been in alignment with who I am as a person. I wouldn’t hold my dating experiences up as examples, either.
Why would I create something I have no desire to do? That would make no sense. And my programs would have been very cut and dry:
The only reason they have the opportunity to go on a date with you is because your partner is dead. It’s a huge privilege for them to get a chance, due to your unfortunate life circumstances, so if they act like it’s not a miracle for them to be around you—say bye.
End scene.
It would be a very short program and probably wouldn’t yield many results; although, I do believe that statement and it couldn’t hurt to say bye if they act like you’re one of many options.
My dating advice would be no advice about dating at all. I can’t think of a time when I asked someone a question about a romantic interest, did what they suggested rather than what I was feeling, and the end result went well. Why is that?
Two reasons:
•They’re not dating that person, so they understand none of the nuances.
•You know yourself better than anyone in the world, no matter what you’ve been told.
When you trust yourself, you can bounce your thoughts off a friend, but you’re going to do what you know is right to do for you.
My advice, in general, is to learn who you are, separate from the noise around you, and trust yourself. There’s truly no other legit advice than that when dating or simply living. And the beautiful thing is that it pours into every relationship—not just romantic ones.
If you don’t know yourself enough to identify what it is you truly want out of a relationship, then prepare for a lot of bullshit because your mind is all bullshit around it.
When you know who you are, if 2+2=5 you’re saying bye. Will you really try to convince yourself that maybe,
somehow,
possibly
2+2 could equal 5?
Maybe. Honestly, you might.
You might, for a moment, let the desire lead you. It’ll be fewer and farther between, though, and you’ll catch it a lot faster.
And let’s be real: I miss my husband a lot. I miss having someone to talk to who understands who I am as a person. Someone who has lived by my side for years. Knows when I’m going to cry, yell, say something awkward, laugh at an inappropriate time, and what movie I would pick before I even do it. I have been doing so many beautiful and terrible things this past year. Not only creating programs, I’ve also entered writing contests; I’ve ziplined across mountain tops; I’ve had solo adventures; I’ve embraced the peaceful & unending connection I have with my husband in my soul.
There’s still half the year left and I don’t see much slowing down.
And yes, I’ve started dating again. Unsuccessfully, but not without lessons upon lessons in the process.
My dating life has been average with a few terrible exceptions. But if I didn’t know who I was as a person, the occasional wolf in sheep’s clothing would happen more often. If I didn’t have my mindset right I wouldn’t be able to say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” as quickly. I would allow the talk of others to lead my way when they genuinely have no idea unless they have videotaped every interaction with the other person.
It’s such a fucked up feeling, too, because the person you want to talk to about it is dead. It’s a weird contradiction because why would you want to talk to your spouse about dating? But my husband was my friend long before he was ever my husband. I wholeheartedly believe if he were alive today and our marriage didn’t last we would remain friends. We knew each other too well to stay mad about anything for very long. And I just want to look over at him and say, “So listen to this bullshit…”
That companionship is what we tend to miss the most. Widowhood is so complicated and grueling because you knew your spouse in a way no one else ever did. And vice versa. Your relationship was unique, even when it seemed rather ordinary.
When you begin to detach yourself from that life, when you grow into your life as a single individual rather than a partner, there’s another layer of grief placed upon you then as well. That’s why grief is so relentless and never-ending. It’s ever-changing. It has many faces. The strongest among us will fall to it years after the loss. Songs will always have a different tune.
The detachment we slowly step into helps us find ourselves. It helps us understand who we are. And, in the best cases, it helps us know that we are humans capable of a ridiculous amount of love.
All widowed, grieving people are full of love underneath their dark humor and sarcasm and gut punching one-liners.
(Don’t tell them I told you.)
The laughter keeps us going and that love we tend to hide is what keeps us alive.
But, I will say, if you ask me if it’s okay to date while you’re grieving your spouse and still love your spouse—my answer is: Absolutely.
And if you feel like you don’t love them anymore? That’s perfectly okay, too.
Again, our relationships were unique. We are unique. You are the only one who is you. And sometimes it does get lonely being the only one who knows you in that way anymore. I’ll challenge you to dig a little deeper. Open yourself up when you’re ready. And pleasant surprises may be on the way.
So, while I don’t ever see myself leading a program designed for dating, I can help women, widows specifically, remember who they are or learn who they are now. And with that, all relationships will fall into place.
Knowing yourself.
Trusting your gut.
Gaining clarity to know yourself and believe in your own decisions is what will guide you.
I was waiting outside of our car while my husband and his daughter ran into the food store. My reason for not going in with them? I did not want to deal with people. Too much for me that particular moment in time.
As I was waiting, an elderly gentleman was walking toward what ended up to be the truck next to ours. He was carrying a grocery bag and a bouquet of flowers. I smiled and said “Wow, those are beautiful. Are they for your Woman?”
He smiled and said “Yes, I get her a bouquet every week, I put them on the dining room table.” I told him his wife (he had a wedding ring on) was a lucky woman. He smiled again and told me his wife of 42 years passed away nine years ago and bringing flowers home every week helps me feel as if she is still there with me. I wanted to give him the biggest, tightest hug imaginable. I teared up and expressed my condolences. He proceeded to tell me little stories about his life with the Love of his life. The love and peacefulness in his expressions of love was SO amazing. Like he was living those moments in THAT moment.
He paused for a moment, had that far away stare, then looked at me with a mixed smile. A smile that was really screaming out to say….”I MISS YOU SO MUCH!”
I told him he was still young enough to get out there and share some of his love with another. He chuckled and said “Oh, I have a friend I do things with.”
I gave him a pat on his shoulder and said “Good for you.” He said “Yeah.” as he looked at the ground with that mixed smile again.
I told him the love of his life is always with him. She is always listening. You can always talk with her. This beautiful man looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said “She is, and I thank God for her every day.”
My husband and his daughter came back from the shopping challenge. I smiled at this beautiful man and thanked him for talking with me. He nodded, smiled and bid me a good day.
That “Good for you”, looking back on that conversation, now feels like a really cruel thing to say, although meant with good intention. It’s not good he lost the love of his life.
What is good is the fact he had the opportunity to find someone in this crazy world he could love so truly.
Someone he could know so wholly.
And someone he could still carry on conversations with because he knows what she would have said or done in any given situation.
All anyone can ask for is to be loved for who they are, and maybe who they are not.
Living truly to yourself.
Being true to you.
As you have said so often, living naked.
Dating sometimes is used as a crutch. Sometimes as an outlet, “I need to get out f this house” type of thing.
Sometimes it’s SO much work.
Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into dating, or anything for that matter.
It’s okay to travel solo. Just don’t stop traveling.
Go to the park, go to the concert, the play, the beach.
Avoid shutting yourself in. Avoid wallowing, emoting, lamenting. It’s okay for a moment. You’ve got to shake off the dust or blow the stink off as my Grandma would say.
Be alive, as you know, it’s a privilege denied many. Don’t waste the opportunity.
Peace